So, the bell tolls, and lo and behold, Jake Paul plays judge, jury, and nearly executioner to Mike Perry. “It’s judgment day,” quips Paul, as if the ring’s a pulpit and he’s about to deliver a sermon of pain. The round kicks off with Perry looking like he’s forgotten the basics of boxing—hands drooping like willow branches. Paul wastes no time and dishes out a body shot that had Perry shaking.
Before you can say “down goes Perry,” Paul lands an overhand right that has Perry tasting the canvas. Up he gets, but with the enthusiasm of a man walking back to a job he hates. His hands still dangling dangerously low, Perry does manage a decent overhand right, probably more out of instinct than strategy. But Paul, unfazed, smacks him with another right, sending shockwaves through “Platinum” Perry’s shaky legs.
Perry’s round ends with a stumble back to his corner, a place he probably wished was a portal out of the ring at that moment. His corner team better do some magic or offer a crash course in defense during the break—otherwise, this “judgment day” sermon is heading for an early amen. (10-8 Paul, and that’s being generous).
As Round 2 unfolded, Mike Perry plodded forward with his head held high—a perfect, unmissable target. Jake Paul, taking advantage of the setup like a kid in a candy store, delivered another right hand that sent Perry crashing to the canvas for the second time, decorating his face with new shades of purple and red.
Perry scrambled back to his feet, wobbling and uncertain, as if he had just been asked to solve a math problem after a few drinks. Despite his shaky legs, he continued to absorb jabs from Paul like he was collecting them. Paul then whipped out another brutal right, followed by a hefty left, painting a picture of utter dominance. Perry, perhaps out of desperation or sheer luck, managed to connect a left hook, momentarily breaking the monotony of his punishment.
In a clumsy attempt at turning the tides, Perry managed to throw Paul to the canvas during a clinch —not through skill, but through a graceless grappling that had more in common with a bar fight. Undeterred, Perry landed another decent left, a fleeting glimmer of competence in an otherwise dismal showing. However, Paul, unbothered, responded with a short uppercut as Perry continued his forward march, seemingly unaware that he was not in a parade but in a fight where the punches were not ceremonial.
Round 3 kicked off with Jake Paul looking like he might actually need a breather, a glimmer of hope for Mike Perry—if only fatigue were contagious. Perry, seizing the moment like a cat pouncing on a slightly deflated balloon, managed to land a left hook. Paul, not to be outdone even while gasping for air, threw back his own left hook with the enthusiasm of someone reluctantly doing chores.
Perry, emboldened by Paul’s apparent weariness, landed a decent right hand, perhaps his best punch so far, akin to finding a dollar on the ground—nice, but not life-changing. Paul, determined not to let his sluggish moment define the round, replied with a left hook that landed with a satisfying thud, followed by a series of jabs that he managed to muster from his dwindling energy reserves.
Paul then peppered Perry’s already battered face with another right hand and a short left hook, as if to remind him that even a tired Jake Paul is a formidable opponent. Amidst this exchange, Paul suffered a cut, joining Perry in the exclusive club of fighters wearing their wounds like unwanted trophies.
As the round continued, Paul’s jabs landed with the regularity of a metronome set on a slow tempo, each jab a reminder to Perry that even on a bad day, Paul could outbox him with one lung tied behind his back. The spectacle was less a display of boxing taelnt and more a testament to Perry’s ability to endure punishment, as if he mistook the fight for a test of how much punishement one can absorb.
By Round 4, Mike Perry, possibly bored with conventional tactics, decided to switch to southpaw, which was about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. This daring move was met with a hard right from Jake Paul, forcing Perry hastily switch back to orthodox stance.
Paul, seizing the opportunity, unleashed a few hard shots that had Perry looking more than a little troubled—like he’d just read the fine print on his contract and realized what he’d signed up for. Paul then delivered a stiff jab to Perry’s body, repeating the action with the persistence of a broken record.
A jab from Paul had Perry wobbling on rubber legs, looking for all the world like he was auditioning for a part in a zombie apocalypse. Paul, sensing the kill, tried to pounce but then thought better of it, perhaps remembering to pace himself or simply savor the moment. He resorted to his heavy jabs, which continued to rattle Perry’s cage.
Returning to the body, Paul dished out a few more jabs, pushing Perry into a desperate rope-a-dope strategy that might have worked against a lesser opponent. Instead, this just set the stage for Paul to pummel Perry with a series of shots, turning the fight into something resembling a controlled demolition. The referee, edging closer with the enthusiasm of someone about to intervene in a mismatched playground fight, looked ready to put an end to the spectacle, perhaps out of mercy as much as duty.
Before the fifth round even kicked off, the ref and the doctor shot Mike Perry the kind of look you give an old car making a strange noise—it’s not quite broken, but everyone’s pretty nervous about it. Unfazed, Jake Paul opened the festivities with his trusty jabs, which by now must feel like routine paperwork for him—necessary, but hardly exhilarating.
The jab, a constant friend to Paul throughout this one-sided affair, seemed to be on a permanent open invitation. He followed it up with a big right that landed with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, then, for variety’s sake, peppered in more jabs. As if on replay, another massive right from Paul connected, and Perry, true to form, wobbled like a bowling pin on its last leg.
By this point, Perry’s face resembled an abstract painting—more color and texture than structure. Another wild right from Paul landed, turning what was supposed to be a competitive fight into something that looked more like a seasoned chef mercilessly chopping a particularly resilient vegetable.
Frankly, the term “competitive” had long left the building, and what remained was a showcase of Paul’s jabbing prowess against Perry’s seemingly indestructible ability to take punishment and keep on ticking.
By Round 6, the recipe was clear: one part jab, a sprinkle of body shots, and a hefty slice of Perry’s resilience crumbling like a stale cookie.
Paul started the round with his signature jab, followed by a dive into Perry’s body—just another day at the office. Perry, perhaps forgetful of the script, managed to land a left hand, but then promptly ate a big left from Paul. The shot shook Perry like a bad investment, and Paul, smelling blood, unleashed a flurry that sent Perry tumbling to the canvas yet again.
Miraculously, Perry beat the count, showing more life than expected. However, when the ref asked him to move side-to-side—a simple enough task—one could almost hear the sad trombone as Perry stumbled and nearly took another unscheduled trip to the floor. This slapstick misstep was enough for the ref, who promptly called it quits on the bout.
This latest Jake Paul debacle masquerading as a boxing match was nothing short of an insult to the sport. Charging fans to watch this travesty on pay-per-view? That’s downright shameful. Every time Paul steps into the ring, it’s less about sport and more about who can play the fool better under the bright lights. He handpicks his opponents from the bottom of the barrel, ensuring they’re just competent enough to sustain the illusion of a competitive fight, yet clownish enough to guarantee his victory.
This so-called event was a slapstick routine, a mockery that should have been broadcast for free on late-night comedy channels, not PPV.
