By Fantana: Britain at the moment is the cusp of a great depression which can be seen on the faces of the great British public, especially those who use public transport. This is a depression not so much due to rising fuel prices or bad weather but more due to the fact there isn’t much to do on these fine shores apart from watch the premierships most glamorous team, Stoke City. Since the 1st of February the shooting season has ended which means wealthy real men, such as myself, cannot go outside and shoot pheasants whilst drinking slow gin and eating pork pies. We Brits also feel hard done by when it comes to boxing, we were certainly promised a Haye vs Klitschko bout, but due to unforeseen circumstances which absolutely no one could have predicted or anticipated the fight seems to have fallen through and we are left instead with the possibly crap match ups of Haye vs Chagaev, or Povetkin, or someone else. I suggest that someone else be Jean Marc Mormeck, the former cruiserweight king who is now heavyweight contender, the man David Haye battled in France to clinch the cruiserweight title. This fight, my friends, would be the most exciting heavyweight fight in modern history, and here is why:-
1) RIVALRY
Everybody loves rivalries, especially in Britain. We Brits like to have rivalries with guys who live in other towns, or other part of town, or even next door. This is because we are a great nation, a paranoid nation, a nation whose leaders sometimes think we could be possibly wiped out in 12 minutes by men who don’t have any weapons of mass destruction. This fine nation of ours was once so great we enslaved most of the world, and this was before Sat-Nav was even invented. What makes a Haye vs Mormeck rematch great is the old England vs France rivalry which has been going on since the battle of Hastings in 1066. Let us be honest, England and France don’t mix, but they do mix it up, in a non-gay way.
2) HISTORY
Once again there is legitimate history in a Haye vs Mormeck bout. In the first fight Haye was almost knocked out in the fourth round, only to pick himself up off the floor like a true hero and go on to stop Mormeck in the seventh. A fight like that has not been seen in the heavyweight division for quite some time, probably since Brewster beat Wlad all those years ago. If we have learnt anything it is that history repeats itself, and a Haye vs Mormeck fight for the WBA Heavyweight title will be so exciting it might just start another French revolution. I predict the fight will generate such a buzz it will possibly even overshadow the return of Dirty Den on Eastenders.
3) BOTH GUYS AREN’T FAT
The problem with a lot of heavyweight fights is the general public gets put off by less than perfect physiques. Fatism, as I like to call it. It seems if you don’t have a six pack you are no longer a possibly great athlete. Men like James Toney, Chris Arroela and Cardiff’s Jon Parkin disagree strongly. To truly capture the imagination of the public these days fighters need to be able to perform in the ring and also at the weigh-in where the fights can often be won or lost with a Shirts off Showdown. Both Haye and Mormeck sport great physiques, almost as good as mine (Please note – I am not NOT Bruce Willis). Since both men have moved up to heavyweight they have both gained a lot of muscle weight and certainly look the part of heavyweight champions. According to David Cameron people are generally 73% more likely to pay to watch a fight if both guys look muscle-bound, which will have a great knock on effect and boost the economy. Beer sales will go up, as well as police on the spot fines for urinating in the street, and thus the nation will be that slightly more better off.
4) IT WILL UPSET NO ONE
This may be the most important part of the whole fight, because it will get Mum’s interested in it. Mum’s as a general rule are not allowed to have favourites because it may make one kid feel bad. They carry this burden with them in day to day life and end up ‘wanting everyone to win’. Since both men are largely not liked in Britain, one for being French and the other for living in Cyprus, no one would be upset if either of them loses, even a Mum. What a buzz this will provide to Britain! So in fact, it would be a win-win. Haye loses and he can retire anyway, Mormeck loses and everything stays the same as it did before the fight. The double factor in this is since Mum’s will be watching we can all go ‘visit’ our Mum’s for the fight, have her pay the £15 on pay per view and get fed bacon sandwhiches and cups of tea.
IN CLOSING
With those four perfectly acceptable reasons as to why this fight should take place I look forward to this fight materializing in the next few weeks. David Haye is, like it or not, the most talked about heavyweight in the world right now and not just because he does the majority of the talking. There are few options left for him in the run up to his retirement from boxing, he either faces a Klitschko or he doesn’t, and if he doesn’t he might as well beat up a French guy on TV. At Christmas we got to see Haye on TV an awful lot, as we discovered on Who wants to be a millionaire – Celebrity edition he might not know how to change a fuse but he sure does know how to whip the nation into a frenzy and bring the heavyweight division some much need excitement. And after all, isn’t that we all want?
Yours in manliness,
Fantana
About the author – Fantana has been busy as s**t on holiday relaxing.